noizemagazine - Index

noizemagazine - Spring 2008 Issue # 55 - Index

the queen's english
a glossary for the gay wannabe by Mickey Weems
It has become increasingly acceptable
for straight people to sound
and act gay. Metrosexuals, priests,
and anyone British all seem to be
sending confusing signals that can
jam even the best Gaydar.
Most of us have straight friends
who, given the right context, can
play gay with the best of us. I’m
not talking about the frat boy who
discovers his secret yearning for
bratwurst after one too many beer
bongs. I mean those folks who know
us and love us (and maybe wish
they were us), except that they have
the right plumbing, but the pipes
run the other way.
So as a public service, noiZe gives
stag hags and other hangers-on a
guide to fitting in while hanging at
the local gay bar. Some words are
no longer ours alone: e.g., "fuck
buddy" (a friend with benefits);
"fisting" (a hand’s dark journey into
the Tunnel of Love); and "vanilla"
(sexually unadventurous). I can’t tell
you how many times I’ve heard a
straight guy say, “I’ll have your ass
in a sling.” They picked that one up
from us years ago.
Everybody is using the word
"queen" these days, as in "drama
queen,” “size queen,” "label
queen,” "muscle queen,” and
"drag queen." Much of the language,
in fact, comes to us by way
of African-Americans, who in turn
picked it up from the vogue balls
or at their mother’s beauty salon.
It is tempting and perhaps truthful
to say that in many a black, white, or
rainbow-tinted gay man there is a black
woman struggling to get out.
The following glossary deals with terms
that normally mean one thing but can
mean something very different in the
Queen’s English.
HEART
The mark of a true pretty-in-pink fag
is anyone who uses "heart" as a verb,
as in "I heart my new boyfriend!" This
term is g-g-g-gay. (Originally from the “I
Love NY” campaign with a heart for the
“love” word.)
PACKAGE
A container of a nice surprise when it’s
been wrapped in gift paper. Big things
come in small packages, but sometimes,
the object inside is tragically much smaller.
Synonymous with “basket,” and in
some circles, “lunchbox.”
TRAGIC
Think train wreck, like Britney Spears at a
custody hearing.
HONEY
This word, often abbreviated as "hon,"
is a term of endearment for waitresses.
But when we say it, it can mean "bitch."
MISS THING
See “Honey.” Often abbreviated as
"Missy” (refer to Mommie Dearest)
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